If and only if...

 Most days I hear myself saying, "If only....."  Maybe there are times when you want to say that, too!  Lately, it's been "If only I had more time!"  Life has been going by at break-neck speed in this household!  I can't even believe it's almost May! How is that possible?!   I was away the first couple weekends and the weeks flew by as well.

Our family had a nice Easter together.  As per my usual, I dressed up the boys to match :)  One day they will hate this, I know!  We did an Easter egg hunt around the house on Easter morning, a brunch at church, and an evening dinner with some friends.  The dads hid eggs outside and all the kids went running- rain and all!  Those are the fun times the kids will remember!

I have had every intention of packing more, catching up on projects that need to be finished, and organizing things.  Well... all I can really say is that the house is getting cleaned a WHOLE LOT more than usual!  We've had people looking at the house 1-2 times a week.  I'm growing tired of the ritual of running around like a crazy woman yelling at the kids to clean up, wiping down the sinks and toilets, shoveling things into closets, and racing out the door just to keep the kids occupied for an hour.  One day we even had someone show up 1/2 hr early and scare me half to death!  "If only... our house would sell."

I have been picking up as many hours at work as possible.  It usually ends up working out to 2-3 days/week.  In no way do I like this, but I am trying to save a lot while our expenses are low at the moment.  Everyone knows moving incurs all sorts of expenses- planned and unplanned!  The kids miss me and I'm excited for when I don't have to work this much.  "If only... I could be home with the kids more."

I ran a 10 mile race in downtown Washington D.C. on April 6.  It was a blast!  First, we got to stay overnight in VA with Josh's college friend and his wife- Dale and Sarah.  We had a great time! Then we got up early to start that race that had a neat route zigzagging around the monuments.  The cherry blossoms were just starting to bloom.   However, my knee pain flared up terribly during the race.  Half way through, I was afraid I'd have to stop and walk.  I prayed that God would ease the pain enough to keep going.  Amazingly, He did!  Within minutes, I felt better and never stopped.  I finished with a time of 1hr 26 min 46 sec-- a great pace for me!  I haven't run much since because I keep thinking, "If only... I could run without pain!"

I spent the next weekend with 14 ladies from church most of whom are my age.  We had a special retreat away next to Lake Wallenpaupack in the Poconos. Sorry for non-locals who have no idea where that is!!  Our pastor's wife spoke a few timely messages on God's grace.  Us girls played games, ate, slept, more games, shared, shopped, and ate more!  It was very relaxing.  I loved spending time with my friends especially before I won't see them again. "If only...all my friends could be together in the same place at the same time!"

The boys finished up their year in AWANA which is a kids' club held at one of the churches in our area.  They memorize Scripture, play games, learn more about God, and spend time with their friends.  All four of them were in it this year and loved it!  Ethan came a long way.  He started off the year crying when I left him, acting up for the leaders, and not participating.  Josh and I even considered pulling him out.  But, he did well after awhile and eventually went running into his room.  The awards program was this past Wednesday.  Tommy got his 2nd book award in Sparks as well as his review patch and extra credit pin.  I was proud of him for all the memorizing!  The other 3 finished their Cubbie book.  I loved how they ran around the house the next day with the ribbons like they were kites!  I'm excited for them to continue in a new program at a new church in Ohio!  "If only...we knew where we'd attend church."

Nearly everything in life is uncertain and is always changing.  I'm thankful that our God is secure, sure, and unchanging!  He is our rock and the only one to rely completely upon.  Josh and I have been learning a lot about trust these past couple months.  We sense God's direction, but can't know for sure.  So, we trust that He is leading us.   Proverbs 3:5-6 has always been a verse I fall back on when I don't know what is going on with my life.  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."

Josh and I cannot lean on our understanding even though it's soooo easy to do as two firstborns!  Josh reminds me often that God's plans do not look like our plans.  We have redirected our prayers to say "God provide" instead of "God sell the house when we want"  What a lesson in faith, as well!  We are learning to be more thankful people as He does provide for our needs.

Instead of choosing to live in the land of "If only", I am trying to rest in God as our provider.